Don't you love New York in the fall? It makes me want to buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address.

~Nora Ephron

Weapons of Mass Instruction

The only army vehicle I'd ever want to see in the streets.

Weapons of Mass Instruction: A 1979 Ford Falcon Converted in a Tank Armored with 900 Free Books from Colossal on Vimeo.

When a Good Book is Finished...

Shhh [whispers]...she needs a minute.

How To Be A Woman by Caitlin Moran

I have a weakness for memoirs, especially the sassy, candid kind, so it was a given that this one would cross my path and I would be compelled to pick it up. When reading something so personal, though, I try to leave my judgement at the door and just read for the pleasure of being inside someone else's experience and thoughts for a while. But I did eventually find her frankness grating. As much as I appreciate candid discourse, hers approached TMI territory. The older I get, I guess, the less tolerant I am for such overt transperancy. Some things are just better left to the imagination. Part autobiography, part social commentary, it was for the most part an enjoyable and funny read.


(back cover)
There's never been a better time to be a woman: we have the vote and the Pill, and we haven't been burnt as witches since 1727. However, a few nagging questions do remain...
Why are we supposed to get Brazillians? Should we use Botox? Do men hate us? What should you call your vagina? Why does your bra hurt? And why does everyone ask you when you're going to have a baby? 
Part memoir, part rant, Caitlin Moran answers these questions and more in How To Be A Woman - following her from her 13th birthday (I am 13 stone, have no friends, and boys throw gravel at me when they see me) through adolescence, the workplace, strip-clubs, love, being fat, abortion, TopShop, motherhood and beyond.

Where'd You Go Bernadette by Maria Semple ~ DNF

Ehn, I just couldn't do it. First off, it's a book written through letters and emails and messages and whatnot, a style I already have a hard time accepting. Secondly, precocious kids. I don't know, call me curmudgeonly, but I found fourteen year-old Bee to be a tad too *smart* and brash. Kids like this are neither clever nor cute and I certainly don't believe they should be calling the family vacation shots no matter how stellar their report card is. But then I'm of the old-school belief that parenting is a benign dictatorship and not a friendship of equals. Not, at least, until said kids are well on their way to supporting themselves.

Anywhoo, I digress. Perhaps it's a fun and quirky book to read for some, but I wasn't enjoying it enough to keep going.

Let Me Off At The Top! by Ron Burgundy

Oh man, is this book ever a hoot. *Shhh* don't tell anyone but Will Farrell movies are one of my guilty diversions. I know. I KNOW! As Ron Burgundy in Anchorman and the soon-to-be-released Anchorman 2, he's one of the most boorish, misogynistic, xenophobic, cringe-worthy characters ever. He's just so unabashedly cheesy it's impossible to look away. And now he has written us a book, Let Me Off at the Top!, with everything we ever wanted to know about who Ron is, where he came from and what makes him so classy. For the first time ever, we get a look inside his brilliant mind as he shares some historical facts and dispels some myths about his hair all in one sentence. "My hair was the principal cause of the overthrow of the Chilean government in '73. This one is true. Look it up." Speaking of truth, all the words in this book are true,* as he tells us in the disclaimer, saving editors and readers the tiresome task of fact-checking. What a relief it is to not have to question anything he says! Included herein are chapters on My Hair; The History of Mexico; What's Wrong With America; My Love For This Country; and Twelve Rules for Living Through a Prison Riot, to name a few.

Being a women, though, I was especially interested in what he had to say in the chapter titled, What Kind of Breath Turns a Woman On? I thought we women still had some secrets but apparently not anymore. Ron Burgundy has now discovered how much we adore the "hot, humid whisper delivered inches from a woman you've just met in an elevator or on a buffet line. . . " His insight is astonishing as he has also determined that there is a variety of elements that go into creating the most effective hot breath aphrodisiac. It's not in the force of the exhale, or the distance, as he had originally thought, but in food combinations. And now after years of study, he has narrowed it down to nine detailed how-to recipes creating breath that is a guaranteed turn-on, including my long-time favorite (how did he know?!) shrimp, beer and hot mayonnaise. I guess I must be a pretty classy woman.


America's most trusted and beloved television News Anchor, Ron Burgundy, pulls no punches in Let Me Off at the Top! Burgundy tells the tale of his humble beginnings in a desolate Iowa coal-mining town to his years at Our Lady Queen of Chewbacca High School to his odds-defying climb to the dizzying heights of Anchordom. 
In his very own words Burgundy reveals his most private thoughts, his triumphs - and his disappointments. His life reads like an adventure story complete with knockdown fights, beautiful women and double-fisted excitement on every page. He has hunted jackalopes with Bobby Kennedy and Peter Lawford, had more than his share of amorous exploits and formed the greatest on-air team in the history of televised news. Along the way, he's hobnobbed with people you wish you knew and some you honestly wish you didn't - celebrities, presidents, presidents' wives, celebrities' wives, dogs and, of course, Veronica Corningstone, the love of his life. Walter Cronkite, Barbara Streisand, Katie Couric, the list goes on. Who didn't Mr. Burgundy, or "Ron," as he is known to his friends, rub elbows with in the course of his colorful and often criminal life?
This may well be the most thrilling book ever written, by a man of great physical, moral and spiritual strength and, not surprisingly, a great literary talent as well. This book deserves a real shot at a Pulitzer Prize. In fact, if it doesn't win one, then we will finally have proof that the Pulitzer is rigged. 
Ron Burgundy has taken the time to write a book. We owe it to him, as good citizens, to read it. (inside flap)

 (*with the exception of people, places, situations, and dialogue)

It's absurd to divide people into good or bad. People are either tedious or charming.
~Oscar Wilde

Mennonite in a Little Black Dress by Rhoda Janzen

I had been trying to get into this book for the better part of a month, picking it up and putting it back down again in favour of something else. I guess I just wasn't in the mood. Anyway, when I finally did get around to reading it through I was so thoroughly enamoured with her voice and language and making-lemonade-out-of-life's-lemons attitude that I put it right next to Cheryl Strayed's Wild on my memoirs-to-keep bookshelf. Some people are turned off by her seemingly glib and superior take on the Mennonite culture, but I find her words are suffused with love and admiration too. She's no more poking fun at them than she is at her own foibles, which is as it should be, I think. There are far too many people taking themselves far too seriously already that a little levity is a refreshing thing.


Not long after Rhoda Janzen turned forty, her world turned upside down. It was bad enough that her husband of fifteen years left her for Bob, a guy he met on Gay.com, but that same week a car accident left her seriously injured. Needing a place to rest and pick up the pieces of her life, Rhoda packed her bags, crossed the country, and returned to her quirky Mennonite family's home, where she was welcomed back with open arms and offbeat advice. (Rhoda's good-natured mother suggested she get over her heartbreak by dating her first cousin - he owned a tractor, see.)
Written with wry humour and huge personality - and tackling faith, love, family, and aging - Mennonite in a Little Black Dress is an immensely moving memoir of healing, certain to touch anyone who has ever had to look homeward in order to look ahead. (back cover)

The Casual Vacancy by J. K. Rowling

This is going to be more of a gush than a review. I absolutely loved everything about this book. Loved it. I know next to nothing about the Harry Potter stories, or even about the author, so I really went into this as somewhat of a JK neophyte. I had no expectations other than what I could glean from the cover, which I thought looked bright and whimsical; I couldn't have been more wrong. The story is a gritty social commentary with a smattering of dark humour. It has many characters and a complex assortment of relationships, as one has when living in a close-knit community. Everyone knows everyone else to some degree, be it teacher/student, doctor/patient, employer/employee, parent/child, school friends, coach, neighbour, social worker, lawyer, town councillor etc.

See?

image source

There are enough relationships and personal histories here to make Tolstoy proud. I would even go so far as to say this story reminds me remarkably of Anna Karenina, with tragic heroine and dysfunctional families and all. It was that good.

It pained me to read all the tepid reviews; I can't think of a reason for them other than the fact that Harry Potter is an impossible act to follow, so of course any subsequent books JK writes are going to be 'flops'. She has nerves of steel to even attempt it.

Some of the complaints I've heard are that most of the characters are not particularly 'likeable', whatever that means. Quirky, different and flawed is how I find them, and isn't that what makes a story compelling? I'd rather read about villains and underdogs than people who are 'nice'. The various themes (addictions, OCD, poverty) are said to be too bleak leaving the reader with a sense of hopelessness at the end. Ehn. I don't know. It's social commentary. It's ongoing. It's challenging, yes; it shook me up quite a bit but I didn't find it hopeless. In fact I have huge respect for JK for delving into such issues with the depth and compassion which she did. I found her portrayal of the subjects remarkably sensitive.

Part of my affinity for this book could also be that I listened to it on audio with Tom Hollander doing a fantastic job reading all the parts. His inflections, accents and timing are bang-on and has me searching the internet for any other audiobooks he's narrated (A Clockwork Orange!). I want them all. And as for JK? I don't think I could hold a contemporary author in higher esteem.

Anywhoo, *highfive* Ms. Rowling and Mr. Hollander - you guys rock.

A Big Novel ABout a Small Town . . . 

When Barry Fairbrother dies in his early forties, the town of Pagford is left in shock. Pagford is, seemingly, an English idyll, with a cobbled market square and an ancient abbey, but what lies behind the pretty facade is a town at war. Rich at war with poor, teenagers at war with their parents, wives at war with their husbands, teachers at war with their pupils…Pagford is not what it first seems.
And the empty seat left by Barry on the parish council soon becomes the catalyst for the biggest war the town has yet seen. Who will triumph in an election fraught with passion, duplicity, and unexpected revelations. (back cover)

A Man Without A Country by Kurt Vonnegut

I read this on the fly while traveling recently because I really enjoy KV's essays as opposed to his rather strange fiction. A Man Without a Country is a collection of short non-fiction written towards the end of his life when he, sadly, went beyond curmudgeonly to dispirited resignation regarding the state of the country he once loved. It is, however, filled with some great quotes about finding happiness and hope in some unlikely places - libraries, for starters, and the everyday encounters we have with friends and loved ones.

"I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is." 

Planet Boy by Stuart McLean

Another Vinyl Cafe audiobook that had me grinning from ear to ear.

Honestly, these short stories written and read by Stuart McLean are so clever and sweet and funny and good natured I can hardly believe it's taken me so long to discover them. I had always known they existed, and occasionally caught the tail end of a story on CBC radio, but never really listened. So when my library had some CDs to check out I jumped at the chance to bring them home and listen from beginning to end.

Vinyl Cafe stories all revolve around the family of Dave and Morley and their two children Stephanie and Sam. Planet Boy is all about Sam and the shenanigans he and his friends get up to at school and over the summer holidays in a way that reminded me of the Calvin and Hobbes comics. The stories are fiction, but they're also very true.

Vintage books! along with a couple of vintage characters . . .  

image source

I can't read all the books ever written.
The upside is I will never run out of reading material.

Vinyl Cafe Stories - Stuart McLean

Vinyl Cafe stories have been around for years, usually on CBC radio here in Canada. But I've only just now discovered they are also available on audiobook from my library. Who knew? They're such fun, sweet stories. I love them. Each one is about 20 minutes and revolves around the family of Dave, his wife Morley, and their two children Stephanie and Sam as they go about their everyday lives. There are often neighbours and friends involved and there's almost always a moral or a life lesson to be learned at the end. I've seen these collections in print but it's really Stuart McLean's voice and reading pace that make these stories so wonderful to listen to.

Things I Overheard While Talking to Myself by Alan Alda

That voice! I listened to this on audio and couldn't get Hawkeye Pierce out of my mind the whole time, especially the scenes where he's just pouring himself a martini from the still in his tent and about to hold forth on some ridiculous army regulation, or outrage regarding Frank and Hotlips. The intensity of his voice is the hallmark of those scenes; I just didn't realize he speaks so passionately in real life too.

Oh man, I miss M*A*S*H.

Anywhoo, this book is endearing in its own right but a little heavy on the warm-fuzzies. I was hoping it would be more about Alan Alda himself but it was mostly a compilation of graduation speeches he's done over the years for various schools. Not bad, just not exactly what I was expecting.

In a Sunburned Country by Bill Bryson

Thus, alas, I have come to the end of my Bill Bryson library. I have no more. I've now read them all. Well, actually, he does have two more academic books on writing and grammar I have not yet read, but they are more of the reference sort than the curl-up-and-read-for-pleasure sort. But, then, given my less-than-superb command of the intricacies of English grammar, I would probably do well to add these last two books to my library.

Anyway, back to In a Sunburned Country. Although this book is fairly dated having been written in the late 1990s, it's still loads of fun and so, so interesting. As always, Bryson incorporates facts, history, lore and culture as he takes us along with him on a tour through Australia. His writing is very engaging, conversational and in most cases so spot-on that reading him is just plain enjoyable.

~quotes~

In this deliciously funny, fact-filled adventure, Bill Bryson takes his readers on a rollicking ride far beyond the beaten tourist path of Australia. Here is a place where interesting things happen all the time, from a Prime Minister lost - yes, lost - while swimming at sea, to Japanese cult members who may (entirely unnoticed) have set off an atomic bomb on their 500,000-acre property in the great western desert. Wherever he goes  (and Bryson goes just about everywhere) he finds Australians who are cheerful, extroverted and unfailingly obliging - the beaming products of a land with clean, safe cities, cold beer and constant sunshine. Australia is an immense and fortunate land, and it has found in Bill Bryson its perfect guide. (back cover)

The great if obvious feature of a train, as compared to a hotel room, is that your view is ever changing. In the morning I awoke to a new world; red soil, scrubby vegetation, huge skies, and an encircling horizon broken only by an occasional skeletal gun tree. As I peered blearily from my narrow perch, a pair of kangaroos, flushed by the train, bounded across the foreground. It was an exciting moment. We were definitely in Australia now! pg25

It is a lame and obvious conclusion to draw, but Australia truly does exist on a unique scale. It's not just a question of brute distance - though goodness knows there is plenty enough of that - but of incredible emptiness that lies within all that distance. Five hundred miles in Australia is not like five hundred miles elsewhere, and the only way to appropriate that is to cross the country at ground level. I couldn't wait to see more. pg44

I ended the day at Young, a farming town in plum and cherry country forty miles down the Olympic Highway from Cowra in the direction of Canberra. I got a room in a motel on a side street not far from the town centre. The owner, a fit-looking fellow in shorts and a short-sleeved shirt, read my name off the registration card and said, "G'day Bill. Welcome to Young," and gave my hand a powerful shake as if inducting me into a secret society. The friendliness of Australians - all of it quite sincere and spontaneous, as far as I could tell - never ceases to amaze and gratify. pg82

Wandering through shady side streets, however, I found a secondhand bookshop open and was happy to take that as a consolation prize. Probably because new books have always been expensive in Australia, the country has outstanding secondhand bookshops. pg130

The outback does have dirt tracks in relative abundance, 300,000 miles of them altogether, but standard rental cars aren't allowed on them and even in a fully equipped off-road vehicle it is a brave or foolhardy driver who ventures out on his own because it is so easy to get lost or stranded. pg197

The sea snakes are especially unnerving, not because they are aggressive, but because they are inquisitive. Stray into their territory and they will come to check you out, all but rubbing against youin the manner of cats seeking affection. They are the most sweet-tempered creatures in existence. But cross them or alarm them and they can hit you with enough venom to kill three grown men. pg250

[re:Ayer's Rock, now known as Uluru]
In some odd way that you don't understand and can't begin to articulate you feel an acquaintance with it - a familiarity on an unfamiliar level. Somewhere in the deep sediment of your being some long-dormant fragment of primordial memory, some little served tail of DNA, has twitched or stirred.....

....Quite apart from that initial shock of indefinable recognition, there is also the fact that Uluru is, no matter how you approach it, totally arresting. You cannot stop looking at it; you don't want to stop looking at it. pg274-75

I asked him if there was still much prejudice in Australia and he nodded. "Huge amounts," he said. "Really quite huge amounts, I'm afraid."

Over the past twenty years, successive governments have done quite a lot - or quite a lot compared with what was done before. They have restored large tracts of land to Aboriginal communities. They have returned Uluru to Aboriginal stewardship. They have spent more money on schools and clinics. They have introduced the usual initiatives for encouraging community projects and helping small businesses get started. None of it this has made any difference at all to the statistics. Some have gotten worse. At the end of the twentieth century an Aboriginal  Australian was still eighteen times more likely to die from an infectious disease than a white Australian, and seventeen times more likely to be hospitalized as a result of violence. pg292

Australia is mostly empty and a long way away. Its population is small and its role in the world consequently peripheral. It doesn't have coups, recklessly over-fish, arm disagreeable despots, grow coca in provocative quantities, or throw its weight around in a brash and unseemly manner. It is stable and peaceful and good. It doesn't need watching, and so we don't. But I will tell you this: the loss is entirely ours. pg325

A Spot of Bother by Mark Haddon

Now I remember why I liked The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time so many years ago. Mark Haddon does such a sensitive and funny depiction of people, warts, foibles, and all, that he is addictively readable. We're all a little bit nuts and we're all in this life together, so why not find the humour and the humanity in it? I love Haddon's short, staccato sentences. The better to do his dead-pan humour and one-line zingers. Very refreshing.

At fifty-seven, George is settling down to a comfortable retirement, building a shed in his garden, reading historical novels, listening to a bit of light jazz. 

Then Katie, his unpredictable daughter, announces that she is getting remarried, to Ray. Her family is not pleased - as her brother Jamie observes, Ray has 'strangler's hands'. Katie can't decide if she loves Ray, or loves the way he cares for her son Jacob, and her mother Jean is a bit put out by the way the wedding planning gets in the way of her affair with one of her husband's former colleagues. And the tidy and pleasant life Jamie has created crumbles when he fails to invite his lover, Tony, to the dreaded nuptials. (back cover)

But jacob wasn't doing recriminations that day. pg107

It felt wrong, going to Dad's bedside. Dad didn't do illness. His own or other people's. He did soldiering on and taking one's mind off things. Dad having a breakdown was in the same category as Dad taking up hairdressing. pg189

Over the intervening years everything seemed to have got louder and brighter and faster and simpler. In another fifty years children would have the attention span of sparrows and no imagination whatsoever. pg197

Dr. Foreman was one of those men who did humour without smiling. He looked like a villain from a James Bond film. It was disconcerting. pg306

'I don't answer the phone. Makes life a lot simpler.' pg340

In his mind, Jamie was introducing Becky to Katie and wondering whether the two of them would become friends for life or spontaneously combust. pg343

He was going to have to stop taking the pills now. And he was going to have to avoid taking any tomorrow. The label on the little brown bottle cautioned against drinking alcohol while taking them. Bugger that. When he sat down after his speech, he was going to drain the first glass that came into his hand. If he passes swiftly into a coma, that was fine by him. pg372

He suggested she go into town to buy another dress and she was about to give him a hard time for thinking all female problems could be solved by shopping, when he said, calmly, 'Buy a new dress. Find a cafe. Sit down with a book and a cup of coffee and come back in a couple of hours and I'll sort everything out here,' and she kissed him and grabbed her bag and ran. pg380

I Remember Nothing by Nora Ephron

I listened to this as an audiobook read by Nora Ephron herself and, really, I am now convinced that this is the best way to 'read' a memoir because no one knows their stuff better than the person who lived it. Although, this is not a memoir as much as a collection of short personal essays including her interesting professional life and how she got to be a writer of books, plays and movies. Nora has a wonderfully droll sense of humor and observation about life and aging that had me chuckling and cringing with familiarity. What an enjoyable listen this was.


Nora Ephron returns with her first book since the astounding success of I Feel Bad About My Neck, taking a cool, hard, hilarious look at the past, the present and the future, bemoaning the vicissitudes of modern life and recalling with her signature clarity and wisdom everything she hasn't (yet) forgotten. (shelfari)

Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut

DNF

Oh man. This book is effing weird. I've been listening to it as an audiobook and although I enjoyed the first part, I am totally lost now. He goes off on these ridiculous tangents like he's making it up as he goes along, and I'm just not getting it.

I enjoy his nonfiction and would like to get my hands on a copy of Man Without a Country, but this? I'm going to have to pass.

Bossypants by Tina Fey

Except for her role in Date Night, I didn't know very much about Tina Fey. I was barely even aware she had a regular TV show to her credit. So what better way to get to know her than through her (audio)book Bossypants? It's a fun, light listen that covers her youth and early rise in writing and acting for television and her subsequent fame after her portrayal of Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live. I'm always so fascinated by what goes on behind the scenes and how the producers of a show can keep churning out episode after episode without ever running out of ideas. And who are the 'real' people behind the famous names, anyway? I need to know. She's creative and talented and whip-smart but doesn't shy away from expressing her struggles and admitting her insecurities.

Before Liz Lemon, before 'Weekend Update', before 'Sarah Palin', Tina Fey was just a young girl with a dream: a recurring stress dream that she was being chased through a local airport by her middle-school gym teacher. She also had a dream that one day she would be a comedian on TV. She has seen both these dreams come true. At last, Tina Fey's story can be told. From her youthful days as a vicious nerd to her tour of duty on Saturday Night Live; from her passionately halfhearted pursuit of physical beauty to her life as a mother eating things off the floor; from her one-sided college romance to her nearly fatal honeymoon - from the beginning of this paragraph to this final sentence. Tina Fey reveals all, and proves what we've all suspected: you're no one until someone calls you bossy. (back cover)